Finding Myself in the Fog

I’ve had an anxious morning that won’t subside. The morning is over and my goal is to get this anxiety to let go of me before it wastes the entire day. So I’m fishing through my mind, body, and soul to figure out what I can do to banish this unwanted emotional asshole.

I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain lately. Headaches are pretty bad and I can’t remember when I didn’t have some sort of a headache. It sucks. It just wears me down. I’m stuck in a thick fog and I feel vulnerable. Like dying animal vulnerable. Never a good place to operate from.

Too often lately, I’m so worn out by the time I go to bed that I sort of pass out. If Little Miss Toddler Girl sleeps (a crap shoot with the current cold she’s got) I sleep through the night. Unfortunately, I don’t really ever feel rested because the pain seems to be waiting for me when I wake up. And then the anxious feelings get going because living with pain is frustrating and anxiety-provoking in ways that I can’t even express at this time.

I’ve also felt stuck professionally lately. I have so many things that I want to accomplish and I just feel frozen. Too many avenues to explore. I need to review and prioritize the avenues that need to be explored, and eliminate avenues that don’t need to be explored right now. Or ever. And go from there.

Let’s see, what else. Marriage….My husband is really great at letting things go quickly. And I’m a processor. It takes time for me to come to a place of letting go. It’ll happen, but not in the time frame he understands or appreciates. We have many areas of common ground, but we also have marked differences. And those differences certainly challenge us at times. Through this challenge, I realize that I have to work toward a place of acceptance for myself as a person who needs time to process my feelings. And in accepting myself for being a processor, I hope my husband does too. Because I need and deserve that acceptance. I really do. I realize how damaging it is to just try to “let go” without actually dealing with the challenging emotions. I won’t do that to appease anyone, especially myself.

One more thought on letting go…it’s hard to let go when you’re experiencing physical and emotional symptoms that plague you all the damn time. But giving these painful symptoms a place to harbor and grow (like some nasty bacteria in a petri dish) is no good either. I know this intellectually, and with every fiber of my being. But it’s still not easy to manage along with everything else that needs to be managed. Sigh.

Some days hit you like a ton of bricks. And sometimes, it’s easier to let it. Yes, it will do damage and I’ll have to pay for that damage. But sometimes pain, anxiety, and fatigue win in ways they shouldn’t. And I’m hard-pressed to find the energy to fight today. I really am.

Okay – I’ve rummaged through the rubble…time to salvage this day. I will try my best to take care of myself. Starting with a toddler-assisted shower. And then I’ll apply some Healing Rose Extra Strength CBD Salve on my neck and shoulders.  And then perhaps I’ll do some toddler-assisted yoga. And then off to a toddler-assisted adventure to the store so I can stop ruminating about needing groceries. Perhaps Little Miss Toddler Girl will nap today and I will be able to sneak in a little meditation session then. I will also meet negative self-talk with positive affirmation. And I’ll start there and hope for the best. Wish me luck. I hope your day is starting off brighter than mine. ❤


 


Missing Tom

I woke up with Tom Petty on my mind, but not singing in my head. I miss him. Just knowing that he has left, that he finished his life makes me a little sad. Thankfully I can listen to him and the Heartbreakers and smile. Music is incredible medicine. This video features Howie Epstein – the Heartbreakers bassist from the early ’80’s till the late ’90’s or early 2000’s. He succumbed to heroin addiction in 2003. I remember Tom Petty saying in an interview that Howie’s loss was the Heartbreakers’ greatest tragedy. And sadly at this point, it looks like Tom has upstaged Howie. Sad face. But…I like to think that they are together now in rock and roll Heaven. And that brings the smile back to my face. ❤



Just Taking a Little Break…

Dear Readers…I will be taking up my daily writing and posting habit again soon. And I’ll also be leading a meditation challenge soon too. I’m just taking a little break and getting organized for the next step of development on this blog. Stay tuned. Have a wonderful weekend! Much love, many hugs! Namaste ❤

P.S. I’ve had a different Tom Petty song pop into my head every morning since he left this world. Runnin’ Down a Dream popped in this morning, but I heard this song on the radio and it has stayed with me for the rest of the day. This was the last time Stevie and Tom appeared on stage together. It’s amazing how much you can miss someone that you never even (technically) met, but have known your entire life. #MusicHeals #HeavenIsARockinPlace #HeartbrokenOverAHeartbreaker


Day 85: This Working Mama Thing

It’s not pretty, this working Mama thing. Work never ends. And often, not even a fraction of the work gets done. But I’m moving my ball forward. I’m achieving my goals and even though I always feel like some area of my life isn’t getting the attention it needs and deserves from me (rotates between kid, husband, work, house, repeat), I know I’m doing the best I am able to at this time. I’m sharing photos of my messy house to show you what happens when Mama works, when Mama has a career that needs her attention too so that her family can benefit.

This is also kind of my self-imposed exposure therapy. I am exposing myself to clutter and making myself breathe through the anxiety and impulses to drop absolutely everything and clean up the house, which will only last a day or two. Type A personalities don’t do well in clutter, but I choose to move my professional ball forward instead of agonizing over the house that has become cluttered as a result of my decision to focus on work. Big. Deep. Sigh. Baby steps.

And thank goodness for cannabis!

Dear readers – I hope that you’ve had a wonderful day! Happy Friday! Much love, many hugs. Namaste ❤

P.S. Can you relate? If so, please know that you are not alone! Reach out if you need someone to prevent you from going off the deep end! ❤