My heart has been broken for a while. I’m finally coming to grips with it.
Too many of my greatest loves are suffering these days. And I suffer along-side them in my own way. Sometimes it’s controlled, sometimes I can’t stop the tears. And most of the time, I can’t sleep.
My dear Dad is sick. He’s struggling with lung cancer and undergoing chemotherapy. Any other patient and I would springboard into a discussion about cannabis and how it supports someone undergoing chemotherapy. But it’s not a patient, it’s my Dad. This circumstance is deeply personal. And for me, the typically brave warrior healer, it’s overwhelmed me to the core. I don’t have much more to say about this currently…Let’s just say this cancer doesn’t know who it’s messing with. It’s really effed with the wrong family.
Earlier this year, my Aunt, my Mom’s youngest sister passed away. We were estranged for years, but I can’t help but feel her loss. Another family member gone from this physical world. I’m amazed how quickly life changes.
And then my best friend in the Universe, one of my true soul sisters has been struggling with severe postpartum depression. Getting the help she needs has proven to be challenging. It shouldn’t be, but it has been. Again…I would typically springboard into a dissertation about all the problems steeped in the women’s health field. But this is my bestie and again, it’s deeply personal.
It’s been a lot for this empath to bear. It’s been a lot for this healer to manage. To stay grounded. To function. To be even remotely productive.
But I’m doing it. I’ve been doing it. I was finally able to shake free from the trappings of insomnia after a stream of seemingly endless tears and an agreement to prioritize a regular sleep schedule. I’ve got one leg free from the anxiety trap.
One foot in front of the other.
I realize now that I had some expectations about this year. I thought it was going to be my time to focus on my work, focus on the things that I’m truly passionate about. I was expecting to focus on furthering my career and honing in on my development as a nurse entrepreneur with the endlessly talented group of health professionals that I am remarkably blessed to know and work with. My husband and I still plan on having another baby.
I guess I expected this year to be unencumbered by circumstances that are out of my control.
It’s not going to be that simple. Indeed, it never is. Expectations always breed trouble. So now, I am focusing on acceptance for this life that just keeps coming lately. Life for me has been like getting knocked down by a wave and struggling to find your footing, only to be sucked in by the undertow again. The sun is bright and shining, and all I want to do is get out of the surf, catch my breath, and enjoy the warmth on my skin.
I’m working toward acceptance. I may need to learn how to surf, or scuba dive though.
I’ll close this collection of thoughts with a list of gratitude for my own health, for my incredible husband who stands by me as the waves crash in and pulls me out of the surf, for my sweet daughter who reminds me to be present because it’s really all we truly have – this present moment. For my family and friends who support me through it all and take me as I am, blubbering hot mess of goo and all. And for you dear readers – I know it’s been a minute. Thank you for being here.
In the end, one way or the other, I know that all of the stuff happening in my world, in the lives of my loved ones, will quiet and pass. Healing will happen. The tide will flow out and it will be quiet again. We just won’t be the same after we’re weathered by the storm. And that’s the part that I need to accept most of all. One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.