Day Three: When Depression Attacks!!!

Depression and Anxiety come with at least two, maybe three truckloads of mud. This mud is laid down in giant clumps all over the place. When my Mental House has been coated in a fresh spread of this thick, sticky mud, it can be very difficult to not only move about, it is also impossible to see clearly.  I’m not sure about you, but when I feel like I cannot physically move forward because my feet are stuck, and I’m blind on top of it, I go into hyper-vulnerable-mode. And when I enter into that mode, please be careful. Depression attacks. It bites, it scratches, it will run it’s chains around you and knock you down to the ground. And then it will stomp on your head and chest until you can manage to break free and run! And when you are able to run with your new battle wounds – bruises, cuts, stings, burns, scrapes, tears – you should just keep running! Because Depression will continue it’s tirade and destroy you if given the opportunity.

I don’t like to feel vulnerable. I really suck at it. And when I do feel vulnerable, it’s those closest to me that bear the brunt of what I have to offer. When vulnerable, I only have criticism and complaints to give. My unintended goal when depressed and vulnerable is to push my dearly loved ones away. Very much like an injured animal who only wishes to run into a thicket somewhere in the woods so it can like its wounds. Despite Depression’s best efforts, my dearly loved ones can see through the truckloads of mud and continue to want to help me move forward so that I can leave Depression and Anxiety behind for good. I don’t know what I did to deserve these humans in my life, but I am surely blessed. And I know for certain that me – the blessed being that I am – is supported and loved. Even in times when Depression attacks. I just don’t want this asshole to think it can just show up and bite my loved ones. Nope. Depression – You are NOT welcome. I know you’ve been packing up for a few days and I can see that you’re just about ready to leave. Don’t let the door hit you in that big, dumb ass on the way out!

Keeping me accountable – We went to bed later than usual last night because we were having fun with friends! I slept pretty well with 3 inhales from an indica-dominant strain at about 7:30pm. Woke up once for a potty break, but was able to slip back into a deep sleep without any issues. I woke up this morning at about 7:30am, enjoyed a 15 minute vinyasa practice (flow yoga) and about 15 minutes of meditation. During meditation, I was thinking about my blog post and everything else I have to get done today. So I stayed in my “sit” for a bit longer and was able to gain a few minutes of quiet breathing without much thought. I can feel the chains of Depression and Anxiety busting apart. Thank goodness.

To keep me accountable, I will post my goals below on a daily basis so that I can review and amend my plans to achieve my goals as needed. I’ve made a couple of changes –

  1. I will not be using the Headspace app for morning meditation. I will not be using any electronic devices until after yoga and meditation practice.
  2. I will medicate with a CBD-rich strain as needed for anxiety/panic/pain – Thankful for this suggestion from a fellow Cannabis Nurse!

Goal — To Gain Clarity

Plan — Meditate for at least 10 minutes daily, eventually expanding on the amount of time a couple minutes per day, with 20 minutes of daily meditation being the target sit time.  

More Plans — Go to bed and get up at the same time every day. Lights out by 10pm and wake up at 7am would be a good starting point for me. 

Goal — To Relieve Depressed Mood, Anxiety Symptoms, and Relieve Pain

Plan — Move!!!! Yoga, Swim, Walk

Yoga — Attend at least 2 classes a week, practice most days of the week for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. Practice in the morning after waking. May precede meditation.

Swim — 10–20 laps 2–3x per week

Walk — Walk daily — sometime during the day. Just get out and walk.

More Plans — Medicate with cannabis as needed.

  • 1-3 inhales from a vaporizer with a CBD-rich strain first thing in the morning if panic/anxiety/pain not relieved by self care bodywork is on board
  • 2–3 inhales from a vaporizer with an indica-dominant strain by 7:30pm to reduce tension and promote sleep.

Goal — To Nourish My Body To Heal Up From Depression, Anxiety, and Panic

In the morning — Smoothie (I have a kefir, kombucha, Vega Protein Powder, and Amazing Grass Superfood smoothie every morning.)

The rest of the day — I need to revamp my Nourishment Plan. Need more fresh foods in my diet. I’ve been in a convenience carbohydrate rut for a while.

I may be following a clean eating plan with a dear friend – so that we can keep each other accountable and get us both feeling better! Stay tuned!!!

Plan — Develop meal plan that will help my body stay well. I know, it’s a broad plan. More on this one later. But soon. Due date — Friday 7/21/17

Wishing everyone a bright and beautiful day!!! Much love, many hugs, Namaste. Thank you so much for reading! <3



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