My Mental House – Hanging Out With Panic, Depression, and Anxiety

I’ve been having an issue lately. Again. And I wanted to tell you about Panic, Depression, and Anxiety because I don’t want you to have an issue too. Or if you know these problems well, first off —  I’m sorry. I also deal with these jerks more often than I’d care to express. I need to find a way to make them go away. Permanently. Maybe you can help me. Come on in to my mental house.

So this morning, I woke up feeling like I was dying. Again. Enter Panic. Panic is a monster that does not live under the bed. No, this monster has the gall to slip right into the damn bed. Maybe the Panic you know doesn’t do this. But the Panic I know tucks itself in, and makes sure to press on my chest so that breathing becomes difficult. Stupid fucker. Panic causes horrible night terrors which force wakefulness, rounded out with sweaty and terrified features. Once prompted WIDE AWAKE — I’ll lie in the bed feeling chaotic, and sad, and scared until I just can’t take it anymore. And finally I’ll get up and head into the kitchen to catch my breath. Unfortunately, Depression is in the kitchen.

Depression is a problem I’ve dealt with for the majority of my adolescent and adult life. Depression is an asshole. I’ve never invited it over. It’s never a welcome guest. But Depression doesn’t care — it bangs in the door, walks over said door, takes up a spot on the couch, and refuses to leave when asked. It’s a big, dumb, heavy, stubborn, hopeless, apathetic lump. It doesn’t have any energy, so it takes all of mine. It has a nasty temper. And it’s a messy asshole too. Leaves a trail of debris wherever it goes, which isn’t ever very far.

And then there’s their cousin — Anxiety. Anxiety is the driver of the vehicle that brings me to Panic and Depression. Anxiety is a bitch, who, by the way, CAN’T DRIVE! Don’t ever get in a car with this psycho!!! Anxiety doesn’t really sleep well ever. As a result, Anxiety has absolutely no focus, has short-term memory issues, and is incapable of thinking clearly — not a good combination when driving. Did I mention Anxiety is kind of blind too? Anxiety drives into walls, into yards, spins out of control, smashes into innocent bystanders. Anxiety has several talents too. It makes simple things really fucking hard. It makes being present hard. Anxiety makes my chest ache, it makes my heart race. And when these things start to happen in my body, Anxiety drives Panic over so it can screw with me even further. Anxiety just drives around, slamming on it’s brakes, sometimes flipping the damn vehicle making it nearly impossible to get rest. Anxiety will continue in this way until Panic needs a ride over. You see, Panic prefers to get in bed with a weakened being who is vulnerable and stuck, so it lets Anxiety work all day and most of the night. Panic’s goal is to ruin my day and it prefers to do that sometime early in the morning. Before the day is even supposed to begin. And if it doesn’t achieve this goal, it has Anxiety drive back over to sit with me and Depression all day.

How did I get in so thick with these thugs? They only only steal from me. They’ve stolen my calm, my center, my balance, my peace of mind. The only things they give freely are pain, and mental anguish, and emotional upheaval, and isolation. They suck. They need to leave. For good.

So here’s what I’m gonna do. I know that these problems can’t be near Clarity. Clarity is beautiful. Clarity shimmers and shines and sparkles. Clarity is bright. Way too bright for Depression. Depression is such a miserable thing that it will try to belittle Clarity. Thankfully, Clarity won’t stand for any shit from Depression. And eventually, Depression will move on. So I’m inviting Clarity over to help me cleanse my mental house of Depression.

Now keep this in mind, Clarity only comes when it’s quiet around my mental house. Unfortunately, my mental house hasn’t been quiet for a while as you know. Anxiety parties a lot and is constantly blaring the same song over and over. Depression has the TV up too loud at all times. Quiet doesn’t happen around here lately.

Good news! I think I know what I can do so Clarity feels welcome. And when Clarity feels welcome, Clarity always invites Energy and Motivation over. Energy and Motivation work together — they’re an incredible partnership that everyone should work with because they are so good at getting stuff done. Big stuff, little stuff, work stuff, family stuff, home stuff. They rock! They make challenging tasks easy to work out because they’re just on top of it. And they remind me that I can figure anything out, but they also know that Depression stuffed my tool box into a dark, dusty closet with a giant padlock. They’re always willing to snap that lock open and get my toolbox out so I can familiarize myself with it once again. My coping mechanisms are in that toolbox. I need them. And I need to stop letting Depression take my toolbox away.

At the end of the day, Clarity, Energy, and Motivation share a common goal — Their goal is to make me feel productive, and loved, and happy, and supported. And calm. In no particular order. These things all tend to come together at the same time. They are givers and providers of good things. How could you not love them? Now I know if I want to hang out with Clarity, Energy, and Motivation — I need to set some goals. And I need to make a plan to achieve those goals. And I need you to hold me accountable. Maybe you could even participate in what I’m doing if you too are dealing with these problems.

Goal — To Gain Clarity 

Plan — I know I need to meditate for at least 10 minutes daily, eventually expanding on the amount of time. I’m going to use the Headspace app to do this. 

More Plans — Go to bed and get up at the same time every day. Lights out by 10pm and wake up at 7am would be a good starting point for me. 

Goal — To Relieve Depressed Mood and Anxiety Symptoms

Plan — Move!!!! Yoga, Swim, Walk

  • Yoga — Attend at least 2 classes a week, practice most days of the week for a minimum of 15 minutes a day. Practice in the morning after waking. May precede meditation. 
  • Swim —10–20 laps 2–3x per week
  • Walk — Walk daily — sometime during the day. Just get out and walk. 

More Plans – Medicate with cannabis as needed.

  • One inhale from a vaporizer with a sativa-dominant or hybrid strain first thing in the morning if depression is on board; one inhale from a vaporizer with a CBD rich strain if panic/anxiety is on board 
  • 2-3 inhales from a vaporizer with an indica-dominant strain by 7:30pm to reduce tension and promote sleep.

Goal — To Nourish My Body To Heal Up From Depression, Anxiety, and Panic

In the morning — Smoothie (I have a kefir, kombucha, Vega Protein Powder, and Amazing Grass Superfood smoothie every morning.)

 The rest of the day — I need to revamp my Nourishment Plan. Need more fresh foods in my diet. I’ve been in a convenience carbohydrate rut for a while.

Plan — Develop meal plan that will help my body stay well. I know, it’s a broad plan. More on this one later. But soon. Due date – Friday 7/21/17


Well my friends, thank you for stopping by and reading. I will keep you posted on my progress. If you are also struggling with these issues and would benefit from a support buddy, please let me know. I could use one too.

Wishing everyone a bright and beautiful day regardless of the state of your mental house. May it be fully illuminated with Clarity, Energy, and Motivation!

2 thoughts on “My Mental House – Hanging Out With Panic, Depression, and Anxiety

  1. Great work here! I am wishing you all the best and your plan looks terrific!

    Daily meditation of 10-20 minutes everyday really helped me in all of these areas (and in a way that yoga didn’t help which is interesting to me). It took about 3 months of committed daily practice and I noticed a very subtle shift.

    I would say for anybody with anxiety, maybe consider some CBD only or high CBD strains particularly for that am feeling of anxiety.

    And also look at your caffeine intake. I thought I loved coffee (eventually I counted my caffeine mg and found I was drinking the equivalent of 4-5 “cups”/ day, even though it was usually only 2 “coffee drinks”) and it was helping me to achieve, but going off caffeine really helped me with anxiety issues. Now I can have a 1/2 to one cup every other day or so and it is effective without usually giving me anxiety.

    1. Thank you Carey! Yes, I agree with the CBD strain for treating anxiety and panic. I will be scooping up some Nebula II on my next visit at the dispensary. And I haven’t had much caffeine in the last month because my sleep has been so disturbed. I’m usually drinking 1-2 cups of green tea with a teaspoon of honey daily. I will keep you posted on my progress! Thanks for the lovely suggestions! 💚

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